Well, three days of rehearsal gone and still no-one has realised what a mistake it has been not giving me lines.  There's still time I suppose...  Personally, I don't think they appreciate the calibre of the canine they're dealing with.  It's just unlucky that my acting career before this has been blighted by a succession of near misses.  I was up for the title role in The Curious Incident of the Dog In The Night-time but apparently I was the 'wrong colour'.  And in a recent revival of Oliver the part of Bill Sykes' dog, Bullseye, went to a rather camp Staffy called Lawrence; I was the 'wrong breed' that time.  I give up!

Me in the rehearsal room awaiting my first starring moment.

Me with the Producer during salary negotiations.  He's the one on the right.

So, rehearsals started on Monday and I turned up full of anticipation.  I met the Producer, a very pleasant man, clearly very capable and intelligent (that's enough crawling!) and then I was handed a copy of the script.  I'm not happy!  Not one single line!  If theatre producers are serious about improving employment opportunities for canine over-8s then they need to start avoiding cliche-ridden characters like this. 'Alfred sits in the wheelbarrow staring straight ahead' is not the introduction I was hoping for.  And in a later scene there is an insinuation that I smell.  I know it's only acting, but really...

They’re big paws to fill, but I’m thrilled to announce that I have been cast as Alfred the Second in the forthcoming tour of Heartbeat. I’m aware that I wasn’t first choice for the job, and that the original Alfred from the TV series was ‘unavailable’, whatever that means! He’s probably trying to give the impression that he’s too busy, but to be honest, apart from a walk-on in Midsomer Murders, and that embarrassing Pet Plan insurance advert (the things we do for money!), it seems that his career has stagnated somewhat.

Anyway, back to me.  As I say, I will be playing Alfred II in the National Tour of ITV's highly-successful 60s police drama, HEARTBEAT, alongside David Lonsdale (David Stockwell) and Steven Blakeley (PC Geoff Younger) in a 17-week tour which opens at the Grand Theatre, Blackpool on Wednesday 16 March before going...well, everywhere.  Apparently you have to go to www.heartbeatontour.com and press on 'Tour Dates' to find out where.  I tried it but my paw covered eight of those little button things on the keyboard.  When will there be a decent computer keyboard for dogs?

I'll be 'blogging' regularly from now on so you can hear how rehearsals are going, what a nightmare the other cast members are, how many other animals are in the cast, etc, etc direct from the horse's, sorry, dog's mouth.  

Alfred, on hearing the news he had been cast in the touring production of HEARTBEAT.
(Note the overwhelming sense of excitement)